The summer tribes of Whangamata

Most towns you can generally define the stereotypical person that you will find there. Except Whangamata in summer. This place defies any attempts of stereotyping. If New Zealand was going to experience a biblical flood, then Noah would probably park up his ark here to ensure he got the best cross-section of New Zealanders in one spot.

Here are some of the diverse tribes that I have observed in Whangamata this summer.

The teenage female flock
This tribe is very prevalent and easily spotted as they have a uniform that consists of cut-off shorts (usually demin) and bikini top. They are very excited to be at Whangamata for New Year and spend a lot of their time making themselves up to look like they haven’t made themselves up. The older ones often have a surreptitious tattoo that they think makes them look cool (but not big enough to get them written out of the will).

The check out my guns dudes
These guys have been working out all winter to strut their stuff in their carefully selected singlet that gives full view of their over-muscled arms and allows glimpses of pecs that one day will need the support of a bra. Often they will be sporting prominent tattoos designed to draw attention to their creatine-created physiques.

The I love activewear women but it is obvious I am not that active
These middle-aged women are highly visible in their bright lycra and oversized designer sunglasses. Usually found in a café behind a trim flat white or soy latte. They share the illusion that wearing tight clothes will make you skinnier and fitter.

The surfy dudes who don’t surf that much
These guys love the image of surfing and all want to be lean, tanned, with sun-bleached hair. The fact is they are often a little overweight, pale (or pink if it has been sunny), and spend little time in the water because they find real surfers a little intimidating.

The young tradies who want to drink their weight in liquor. Every day.
These guys have money and utes. They are here to party and hopefully score. But as they spend their time alternating between drunk and hungover, they have zero appeal to the opposite sex. So success for them typically amounts to avoiding being fined for drinking in a public place or ending up in A&E.

The I ride a big sports bike guys (who are not that sporty)
Where everyone else is wearing shorts and tee shirts, these guys (and often their partners) are clad in leathers - which do little to conceal their girth. They are found in cafes having coffee and cake or tucking into a big lunch after an arduous ride from the previous town.

The I have spent most of my wages making my shitbox car louder and lower guys.
This tribe is only sighted in the peak summer months. They tend to wear their caps backward and large sunglasses (whatever the weather). Their vehicles are their pride and joy and they presume most other people think it is cool to have no suspension to speak of, and consider it a completely acceptable compromise having no boot space to accommodate their large subwoofer (which is often worth more that the car).

The we rented a bach parents because the kids are having New Year here and we don’t trust them.
These are middle-aged middle-class couples. The wife often demonstrates helicopter mum characteristics. She has booked the bach and also arranged for her daughter’s friends’ parents to do the same. Safety in numbers. They’d rather be at their usual New Year haunts, but the thought of Charlotte/Sophie/Gemma getting drunk and pregnant means they have moved from their normal spots to ensure their darlings are safe from the clutches of the young tradies, louder and lower guys, or wannabe surfers.

The fishermen
This group spans quite a wide socio-economic range but are united in their love of finding seafood. Typically, they have a double cab ute or SUV to tow the boat. They possess the obligatory biscuit to tow the kids (as the boat was a purchase for the whole family). If they’ve not been able to stretch to the boat and associated 4WD, then they have a big surf casting rod and are completely content to sit on rocks or a beach baiting and re-baiting hooks, forever confident they are about to land dinner for the family.

The my car is worth more than your house couples (who think they fit right in).
The vehicle is typically a large European SUV, but sometimes can be a long and low one. The women are usually slim as they have personal trainers and follow carefully prescribed diets. You would only need a few of them together to comfortably stock a high-end jewellery store. The men are greying, overweight, and wear board shorts, but look as much like Whanga locals as their wives look like sumo wrestlers.  

The brown bros
Not often sighted in downtown Whangamata but usually found at the wharf doing the most excellent manus or harvesting seafood from precarious positions on rocks or under the sea.

The hippy
Less commonly sighted in town - unless they are selling some trinkets. This group is tanned, pierced, and often tattooed. They tend not to aspire for material things, and are the polar opposite of the ‘my car is worth more than your house couples’. There is probably a great reality TV show waiting to get made that has them doing house swaps.

The bring on Beach Hop driver
These men would be easily able to stand in for any ZZ Top band member. Beards, tattoos, protruding stomachs, and a deep love of V8s are common traits. They are very giving souls who will go out of their way to drive down the main strip and share the window-rattling sound of their V8s with anyone within earshot (about 3 kms).

The bowling pins
This tribe has grown in numbers and volume in recent years. Usually spotted around fish & chip shops and bakeries. They are identified by their girth being larger than their shoulders. Their low centre of gravity makes them hard to knock over and they tend not to be very maneuverable, so it’s advisable to give way to them on a crowded street. Bowling pins are typically seen congregating in small groups enjoying the fruits of the aforementioned eateries’ labour.

This list is not exhaustive, and there are other smaller tribes to be spotted. This is the charm of Whangamata – the best people-watching destination over the New Year period in New Zealand.

And the place to be when that biblical flood arrives.